all is optional

Never underestimate the power of a full night’s sleep.

I went to bed disappointed in you and even more disappointed in myself. I woke up with the realisation that those actions change nothing because they were never the basis of who we are. It’s nice to know I can wallow in the good even now. That’s what makes us different.

When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.

Khalil Gibran’s The Prophet

I called you happiness; you described me as the space between coming home again and sleeping through most of Monday morning.

I’m in some pretty serious like.

Though I spend most of my days vehemently denying it to anyone who’ll listen, I’ve realised it in bits and pieces.

Because when I think of happy, it’s you I see.

I just think he deserves to have someone love him unconditionally and perhaps I could do that. Maybe I deserve that, too, and I trust him enough to perhaps allow that to happen.

You get to this point where you know it’s useless to keep going, but you have so many good memories that it’s difficult to make a complete and clean break, so it gets messy.

I want you to be the sweet, fresh-eyed boy, who kissed with a hesitant confidence and hugged with all the warmth inside of him.

And, I want to take chances on you, and careers, and life, and the universe.

In all of that, you will have taught me that love and life are the sweetest when they are simple and that’s really all one needs to know.

All of this, with racing hearts beneath starry skies in concrete jungles, some two odd years from the very first day.

“I had slept with one man whom I loved, and learned to love another man so much that it would never have occurred to me to want to sleep with him.” - Michael Chabon

It’s been said before on those select occassions when one of us finds the courage to say it out loud. This time, both of us said it in response to one another. 07 May 2005

“I love you. I just wish I was better at showing it,” he said. “Don’t you feel something, too?”

“Of course, I do.”

“Don’t you think I do, too?”

And I had nothing… how can I expect someone else to know my intentions and my feelings when I am baffled by his?

Trust: it’s a good thing.

baby steps.

He joked about France afterwards.

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